Thursday, October 15, 2009

When confessions become therapeutic.....

I like it when people like me. It stresses me out when I think that I have offended or embarrassed someone. There have been people that I have encountered that don't particularly like me, and I have made it my own personal experiment to see how long it takes for me to change their mind. I am not usually the winner in that battle. I have been on a long and winding journey to accept the fact that not everyone agrees with my mostly vanilla ideas or loud, harsh personality.

So, in an effort to combat any negative energy flowing my way, I apologize for things that aren't a big deal or aren't my fault. While walking in the hallway, an acquaintance didn't make eye contact or make any effort to acknowledge my presence. My mind immediately flashed back to our recent meeting, where I was a bit more brash than normal. I drafted an email apologizing for piping up in the meeting. In all honesty, he said that he had no idea what I was talking about and that I didn't offend or embarass him. Well, that exchange was enough to embarass me...

So, again, I am wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I know, I know, I care too much about what other people think of me, I care too much about how I am perceived, and I care too much about things that have absolutely nothing to do with me. This isn't a new problem that has sprouted in adulthood - I have been dealing with these insane insecurities for most of my life. During certain times in my life, my normally type A personality morphs me into a classic introvert, and I either feel crippled and handicapped, or ornery and bitchy until a positive experience pulls me out. The really unfortunate part is that my innate need to please others only displeases myself to a much greater degree.

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