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Monday, August 30, 2010

and I didn't like it one bit.

This past weekend, I went out on previously uncharted waters - I was with both of the boys by myself while Drew took a weekend away with friends. I knew that it wouldn't be easy and that my patience would be tested, but I had no idea what life would truly be like without Drew here. While I could go on and on about our busy weekend - driving here and there, chasing the boys to and fro, I am going to take this a completely different direction. I realized with such harshness what life would be like for me as a single mom. I didn't like it.one.little.bit. To say that I was lonely is a huge understatement.

Anyone who truly knows me knows that I will seek out the most depressing stories to read during the day. Most recently, I have been following a woman blogging through her days as a recent widow. Not only does she show with frightening clarity the full gammit of emotions that she is experiencing, she is working through her grief still caring for her young daughter. And, as any mother can tell you, dealing with anything of any difficulty is made even harder if you are not just caring for yourself, but another little person too. She tells stories about their love story, the hardships of their marriage, the mutual adoration of Audrey, their daughter, and the daily struggle to learn how to live a different life suddenly without her soul mate.

Sometimes, while I sit with tears pouring down my face as I read her latest posts, I ask myself why I'm drawn to her words. While her writing is beautiful and clear, it is the gratitude that I feel after every post that I experience that brings me back to her blog. I suddenly remember that she isn't me, and that I still have my soul mate to go home too. I can feel sadness and empathy for her immense loss and vast appreciation for my husband. When she posts that she wishes some conversations had been different, I can alter my behavior in real life and in real time - with absolutely no regrets.

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